Confused

Sigh. I wonder why these kind of feelings have to show up? Mixed feelings actually. Jealousy, hate, love, confusion, depression, happiness. Everything. Mixed into one bowl of shit. School has been annoying and shity lately. And i just wish i didn't have to attend, and maybe i could just sleep my problems off at home. But no. I had to go to freakin school and get tortured by the satans they call teachers. Sometimes i wonder if my teachers actually want to teach. They don't act dedicated at all, they either get mad about us breathing or boast about how talented they are and that we don't have the passion to be like them. Which obviously pisses me off because they think they're so amazing and perfect. They are obviously blind.

Pushing that aside, life has been anything but exciting. I've been at home and school and thats pretty much it. Unless you count my Johor trip a few days ago, which was okay. But not exactly a stress reliever. I've been so caught up about problems and voices in my head. Sigh.

I started to read books on wattpad again to pass my time. And boy, am i addicted. Its so funny that most of the stories that i read related to me almost perfectly. How they feel. The jealousy. The deep thoughts. The fury. Everything. I felt like, maybe those books could solve my problems for me. Tell me what to do. How to feel. Sigh. Obviously i was wrong and they had no power over me like that. But reading does calm my nerves somehow, making me a tad happier about how the guy in the story feels. And it definitely isn't the same with how i think Arman would feel.

Lately, we're distant and we fight alot. It isn't a normal couple fight that would be perfectly fine after 24 hours. But its the kind that, even if we do try to act and be okay, it just isn't. Inside we're hurting and having other thoughts and we're not telling each other. I've been having so many wrong thoughts about my feelings and how it feels like we're not meant for each other. At times, i just feel like, maybe, he deserves better. I'm no one. Whereas, he's known. He's funny. He's adorable. He's sweet. He's caring. Why did he pick someone plain and naive like me? I'm not even religiously strong. I have nothing. I only upset him and set a bad example. Just influencing to do the bad. I admit, i've been missing him really bad nowadays. Moreover we fight contantly, it makes me miss who "he was". But thinking about it, its actually me who changed. What happened to understanding girl who understood how buzy he was and was sure about his love for her? What happened to her? Why do i see a broken clingy selfish love struck teen who wants her boyfriend to herself... I hate who i'm becoming. I'm becoming one of those girls that i despise. I'm becoming who i'd never want to become.

I miss what we were. I miss what we used to have. The feelings. That were innocent and naive. Just adventuring around. Being a teen. But now. Its different. With college, our religion, our fantasies. Everything is just a blur for me. Sometimes i wonder how he can go through it so easily. I wish i had that kind of willpower. The feelings keep empowering me. Eating me whole. Eating me up inside. Sigh. I'm so fucked up.

And i just found out i failed agama. Ha ha. This day just gets better and better. The last time i failed my agama was when i was in form 3. During trials. I cried so much that week. I felt like a horrible muslim. I felt like killing myself. Or just running away. Being someone else. Who isn't "me". I feel like that now. I feel like a failure. Like i let down everyone around. And worse of all, i let down myself. I tried to be confident after my exams. But i was sure i failed my agama because of my hafazan that i didn't do. Everyone tried to tell me otherwise. But who knew i'd be right? I feel like i got punched in the gut. Everything just seems so painful.

I always thought that physical pain would always hurt more. But no. I was wrong. This was definitely more painful. I feel like mourning and just crying myself to sleep. Everything is going wrong. Just like the last few months. This year has been everything but calm. I thought i had hope for this year. But no. It started horrible, and it still is. And its nearly November.

I don't even know what to do anymore.

What to think.

What to figure out.

I'm just so confused at what Allah is throwing at me. What life is throwing at me.

Why can't everything just go right? Sigh. I've lost my optimistic side earlier this year. But now, its gone. I don't feel like there is even a glimpse of hope coming my way. I feel like i'm just going to die. Like someone is going to run up to me and just stab me and kill me. I'd rather if that happened to me. Rather than going through this.