Letting It Out
Hey, so i'm at college now. But i'm just really stressed out only God knows how i feel right now. My mind is blank, and i have a headache. My work load isn't decreasing but my hours are lessening. Today is Thursday which actually marks the day that i pass up my OJT report and log book. I rushed and printed out my report yesterday after school, but looking at it now, i don't feel like i did a good job. Its not impressive and its pretty bland. It isn't interesting and doesn't stand out. I expected more from myself but i guess even we, ourselves, can't expect too much.
I'm so down but nobody can tell. I'm so depressed and disappointed in myself, I thought i could well. I thought i could finally show everyone my worth. But now, i feel worthless. Like i didn't do anything. Like i didn't work hard enough. Not like everyone did. I'm a slacker and procrastinator. Reading my report, just makes me sad, I felt like i did so much, i felt like i worked hard. But my report, doesn't show it.
The sadness in me has been building up for a few days now but i just wanted to let it out. I feel so insecure with everyone's work and experience. How hard they worked for their report, and for their assignments, Who am i? What am i?
I have my exams next week, and my exams are Monday - Friday. They told us yesterday, if we don't pass our theory exams, we won't get to do our practical exams. Our passing mark is 80, and our exam is in 3 days. I have my PTA and my log book to settle, and also study. My file is a mess and i bet its not even complete. The JPK people will be coming to check and make us go through an interview. My lecturer updated us and told us that if our 1st year file doesn't pass, they won't even look at the 2nd, Which frightens me as my 1st year file isn't exactly the most impressive.
I'm sweating bricks now as the lecturer told us we need to finish up our thesis by today, but also send in our OJT reports and log books. But i told my PPO that i won't be able to send in my log book today, and she understood and said okay. I just need approval from my main OJT lecturer, which i hope, will get approved. I'm skipping school tomorrow to go to SFKL's boutique to complete my log book. I'm so worried, and i'm so tired. I can barely talk much or laugh. I'm drenched in sweat atm and my body is aching. I'm just so so exhausted.
I want to cry, i want to let it out. I want to just scream to the heavens hoping for something / someone to save me from whats happening right now. At times i'm thinking about just giving up, leaving it all to God. I'm too tired. Too tired of all the things that has been happening these few months.
I just want to pass, I want to be able to make everyone proud. I want to be able to get a diploma. I don't want to have wasted 4 - 5 years in this school and get nothing out of it. I kept calm with all their past bullshit, and i'm not ready to have it all go to waste.
But for now, all i'm hoping is the best. I'm tired, exhausted. But i hope its all worth it.
Thats all for now, tata.
I'm so down but nobody can tell. I'm so depressed and disappointed in myself, I thought i could well. I thought i could finally show everyone my worth. But now, i feel worthless. Like i didn't do anything. Like i didn't work hard enough. Not like everyone did. I'm a slacker and procrastinator. Reading my report, just makes me sad, I felt like i did so much, i felt like i worked hard. But my report, doesn't show it.
The sadness in me has been building up for a few days now but i just wanted to let it out. I feel so insecure with everyone's work and experience. How hard they worked for their report, and for their assignments, Who am i? What am i?
I have my exams next week, and my exams are Monday - Friday. They told us yesterday, if we don't pass our theory exams, we won't get to do our practical exams. Our passing mark is 80, and our exam is in 3 days. I have my PTA and my log book to settle, and also study. My file is a mess and i bet its not even complete. The JPK people will be coming to check and make us go through an interview. My lecturer updated us and told us that if our 1st year file doesn't pass, they won't even look at the 2nd, Which frightens me as my 1st year file isn't exactly the most impressive.
I'm sweating bricks now as the lecturer told us we need to finish up our thesis by today, but also send in our OJT reports and log books. But i told my PPO that i won't be able to send in my log book today, and she understood and said okay. I just need approval from my main OJT lecturer, which i hope, will get approved. I'm skipping school tomorrow to go to SFKL's boutique to complete my log book. I'm so worried, and i'm so tired. I can barely talk much or laugh. I'm drenched in sweat atm and my body is aching. I'm just so so exhausted.
I want to cry, i want to let it out. I want to just scream to the heavens hoping for something / someone to save me from whats happening right now. At times i'm thinking about just giving up, leaving it all to God. I'm too tired. Too tired of all the things that has been happening these few months.
I just want to pass, I want to be able to make everyone proud. I want to be able to get a diploma. I don't want to have wasted 4 - 5 years in this school and get nothing out of it. I kept calm with all their past bullshit, and i'm not ready to have it all go to waste.
But for now, all i'm hoping is the best. I'm tired, exhausted. But i hope its all worth it.
Thats all for now, tata.
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