Deep Depression

I hate it when i feel this way. I hate feeling like i'm not good enough. Like i'll never be good enough. The rotten feeling of insecurity and depression, is eating me up like crazy and i wish i knew how to stop it. The thoughts just tend to fill up my mind, making me go through anxiety attacks. I wish i knew how to put depression into words but its so hard to actually explain how much it hurts, how hard it is to go through this every single day. At times, it gets really bad. At times it isn't as bad. But today, its at its worse. I'm crying and i can't think straight. Everything in my mind is just pure negativity. I hate this. I hate this so much. I hate having to go through this cycle of torment each and everyday of my life, Hoping it'd go away someday, sooner or later. Yes, i've gotten used to it but the pain does not decrease one bit. I hate myself. More than i could anyone else. I hate everything i am, everything i can be, everything i was. I hate myself to the core. There is nothing that could make me wake up, and actually think positively about myself, and i know, because i've tried for the last decade of my life. I'm 21, yet i still am going through this hate spiral between myself and i. I hate myself to the point that i wish i'd just, die. Depression is a rotten curse. It really is. Anxiety is just as bad, but i'm one of the unlucky people that has both. Its eating me whole. And i'm at the point of my life, that i actually feel like i don't deserve anything good that happens around me. That i don't deserve the amazing people around me, or the treatment they give me. I feel like i don't. I feel like i deserve to be treated like trash, because i feel like i am trash. I am no good. Nothing i do is ever good enough, because i am never going to be good enough. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm surrounded with people yet i feel so distant and i feel so alone. I feel like i don't fit in with anyone around me yet they treat me like family. But who am i? I'm trash. An irrelevant piece of garbage that flew into their world. A world i don't deserve to be in. Because all i will ever be, is trash. Working, isn't helping me in any way possible. I've been trying, to always smile. To always be happy. To always make everyone smile, but why? Why can't i make the depression and anxiety go away? Why does it still exist within me even when i tried so fucking hard to make it go away? I'm in pain. I'm in so much pain and i can't take it anymore. I can't bare to feel this way anymore. It hurts so much and i just want it to begone. I, hate this. A few weeks ago, if i recall it correctly, i cut.  Eventho i promised myself, that i'd never do such a thing. I did. I expected the pain to help cover up the constant pain i was already feeling, yet, it wasn't painful enough. A matter of fact, it didn't hurt at all. The only pain i felt was deep inside and it was the pain that kept eating me, that kept feeding on me, for years. I was in shock. Whilst staring at my bleeding arms, i couldn't believe that it just did not hurt enough. It didn't hurt enough to mask the unbaring pain i was already going through. It didn't help me and i was still a cry for help. Why? Why of all of the things i could have been diagnosed with, why was it depression? Why did it have to be depression? There are so many questions running through my mind. Each and every night, its always the same questions, over and over again. "Why are you pathetic?" "Why aren't you good enough?" "Why are you ugly?" "What have you done to yourself?", and if not questions, statements. "You're worthless" "You should die" "You don't belong here" "Just kill yourself". I'm so sick and tired of this pain. I'm so sick and tired of depression and anxiety. I hate feeling so alone and, dead. I hate feeling like i am better of dead. I wish it didn't hurt as much as it did. The pain, why can't i get used to it? Why can't i ignore it? Why is it killing me? I hate this. I hate myself. I just... hate this life.