She Thought

She didn't expect to cry when things happen they way they did. She didn't expect to feel so much pain. She didn't expect that he would say or do those things, but he did. 

She thought to herself, why? Why would she still feel this way after all that has happend? Does she not have pride? Does she not have any shame? She has never been so insecure in her life. She has never felt so small. So vulnerable. So invisible. She fills her head with negativity. "I'm just an embarrassment. Nothing but a dissapointment." She was eating herself up.

Looking at him so weak, so depressed. She couldn't bare. It was breaking her.

She wanted to try harder, she wanted to help. Watching him mourn and sad, it hurt. More than it could ever hurt her. She wanted to make him smile again. She couldn't see him the way he was. She wanted to be the reason of his laughter, his smile, his happy thoughts, his happiness itself. She wanted to be the cause and reason for it. 

But because she tried, she ended up increasing the hurt that had already built inside her. "No, i'm avoiding everyone." She never thought, that she would also be a part of 'everyone'. She thought he would want to express to her, that he wanted to talk to her, that maybe she could make things better. But she was wrong. She was dead wrong.

She needed to understand, that she couldn't do what she used to do. She can't make him smile anymore. She can't make his problems go away. She isn't the person he looks for if he is in pain or struggling. She isn't. Not anymore.

All the lies she made up, in her own head. Toying with the world she is living in at this moment. Making her think of things that may not even happen anymore. 

She was hoping for a better tomorrow, everyday she opens her eyes hoping that everything will be okay.

She thought wrong.