Messed Up Thoughts

10.39 PM

I should be doing my work right now, in which i will. Later. Or will i.....

But anyway, i've been thinking again. About the break up. I've realized... That i'm too addicted. Too addicted to him. That even the slightest move he makes either makes me ridiculously happy or extremely depressed. Ever since we saw each other, he hasn't been saying much (eventhough he doesn't say much even before). He is more distant... Like i am really a friend. But i guess its what its supposed to be like, right? I can't expect the same treatment after what i did to him.

I really thought that my heart would stop aching after i accepted the fact, but i guess even accepting and moving on takes a very long time. I love him with all my heart, but i really want him to be happy. And if i can't do that... I need to accept the fact and suck it up. Rather than sulking about it and crying. When he told me that he wasnt worth it, believe me, it hurt like a bitch. But... I've said that to him before. I told him that i don't deserve him, that i'm not worth it. I never imagined how much it would hurt to be told something like that... Its like, he doesn't care, or doesn't want to try anymore. I feel horrible... After realizing all the things i did wrong to him. And i feel like shit...

But he really... Deserves the best. I will try my best, to help myself, to be better. In shaa Allah. But if me and him doesn't happen again... In shaa Allah i will be okay. No matter how much i miss him, and i want to constantly talk to him, and i want to constantly be with him, i need to think about him. He is lost, and his feelings are confused. He feels bad for leaving me alone, he feels bad if he doesn't talk to me. I don't want it to be that way.... I want our convos to be sincere and true. I want him to feel the want to reply, not the need to. Just so i won't overreact or something. I really hate that.

As much as i want things to go back to normal, as much as i want to be in his arms again, as much as i want to kiss the daylight out of him, i need to let him go. It hurts like hell but i really need to accept the way things are going.... I tried, my best. To ask for a second chance. But his mind is set, and i should try to change my mind set as well.

People asked me before, if i really loved him, or was it lust? I've thought about it, but i'm sure, that its love. All i did, all i wanted to do, all the things i imagined us doing, wasn't lust. I try, to get us away from things like that. And it wasn't lust that got us apart, it was me. And i will never truly forgive myself for what i did.

I just hope...

In shaa Allah we will be happy, be it together... Or with someone else.