Life

Its been so long, since i've ever said anything. I'm just so confused right now. And i really wish i had someone to talk to. Someone that would actually listen. I know my best friends are around, and my family. But i don't want to keep telling them and making them hear about my useless rants and complaints. I just rather keep it to myself. But it hurts. More than i expected it too. I really thought it wouldn't hurt that much. That the pain would go away, but by day, the pain gets worse. I broke up with Arman days ago. I was sure about decision, i really was. I wanted him to focus on his studies, and i wanted to do the same. So maybe if it was meant to be, we'd meet again and maybe things would happen yknow. But if only it was that easy. I thought about it, for a very long time. Every single fight always brought me to the conclusion that he didn't need the extra stress in his life. But everytime he smiles, the pain just goes away. But maybe... I'm just not strong enough. I'm weak. Too weak. I wasn't strong enough to cope and overcome all the hardships of our relationship and i thought it would be better if i was single. If i didn't hurt anyone. If i didn't make anyone feel unhappy. I didn't think of how it would effect how i felt, or even how i felt. I'm an idiot to even think that he would be completely fine with it. I'm an even bigger idiot to be telling myself everything will be okay. Oh boy i was wrong. It's been 3-4 days since the break up and my mind hasn't been at ease since then. I've been thinking about it, day and night. Mood swings every few hours, crying randomly, getting angry at small things. Its getting out of hand. I have no idea whats wrong with me, and i really don't think anyone understands how i feel right now. I feel like everything is my fault and everyone hates me. I feel like arman hates me. I feel like all i do is make people unhappy. I miss arman like crazy. I want to just run into his arms and he'll tell me everything will be alright. But i ruined that. I ruined everything. Everything we had, and the views we had on our relationship. We were together for 1 year and 5 months, we were pretty much stuck together for good. But as usual my mind comes to destroy it all. My insecurities really get the best of me. I feel like i don't deserve him anymore. Like he deserves so much better. Like he should be with someone at his level. Not like someone like me. I barely have any talents, i'm slow, blur, not even good at any physical activity. I don't even cover up. I know, why didn't i change for him? Because i want to change for myself. So i can tell myself, i'm still the same person i want to be. I want to be my own hero. The one who wouldn't fall, no matter how many boulders fell on my back, i want to be able to stand up on my own two feet without anyones help. Obviously, i'm not that person right now. I'm too weak.

At times, i just wish i could rewind time, and stopped myself before telling arman i wanted to break up. But i was so absorbed with my mind that i was selfish enough to not even think about his feelings. How he felt. No matter times we fight, no matter how many times we argue, eventhough its a hell lot, i don't care. I still love him with all my heart. He is my first real relationship. I felt really special for that year and 5 months. Why didn't i see that? Why didn't i see that he cared so much? Why did i only see his mistakes and why did it take such a big effect on my feelings? It urks me how i could look past all of the happiness and good times, just to look at the dull and dark paths of our relationship. But its too late to go back now. I'm too late. Too slow. I just hope he will get eternal happiness very soon. Something i could've given him, but i didn't because of my selfish needs. InsyaAllah he will be with someone who will truly love him for who he really is, inside and out.

I wondered why, i never adviced him before or even told him about his personality or attitude that i didn't fancy. But i found out why, because i wanted to accept him for who he is. I wanted to. Everything he did, his mistakes no matter how much it hurt me, i wanted to ignore it, i wanted it to make me love him more for it, i wanted to love him for him. But obviously doing that was a bad idea, because i ended up bursting. Ha ha ha. How great.

But i guess, in life, there will be ups and downs, and all i have to do is get back up, and be stronger. Eventhough it will be hard, i have to try. I really hope, whoever it is ends up with him, either its me or another girl, i hope Allah knows that the person will be the best person for arman. InsyaAllah.