Maybe They're Right
Hey. Its just a few hours after i wrote that depressing post about self harm, and its 5.21 in the morning. I've thought about it, and as much as i want to keep hiding in my room watching netflix all day to drown out reality, they might be right. Maybe i really need to find a new circle of friends. Well, a healthy kind. I mean the "friends" i have now are the ones that stuck by my side for the last 10 years (or more), and a lot of shit has been happening and has happened. Maybe its time i start anew, start from scratch. No, i don't mean creating a new name and move to Malibu, but i mean, start fresh. Find out what i might be good at, try out things. Go out, venture around. Staying indoors is getting unhealthy, or in my sisters' words, "you need to get a life". Even she's worried about me just hanging around at home. I got invited to shoots yesterday, and i was going to reply, but i disabled my instagram account because i thought it was getting in my head too much, and boy, my fear towards society and the human race escalated like crazy.
I talked to some people that had a part in the mess, and they told me the same thing. That he was right. That i need to turn my life around, shed a better light. Well, this is me sugar coating it and making it sound pleasant to read. But, yeah. I get what they meant and even though they did say mean stuff, it might be true seeing as at least 5 people has said it so far. And who am i kidding, i see it too. I blocked quite a few people out of my life recently, and i really hope its the right thing to do, yeah there is a hint of regret and sadness, but i really hope its better, for all of us. For the both of us.
I've always been that hopeless-romantic kinda girl, that thinks that love can conquer it all. Fix whats broken, make everything okay. Guess i was wrong all along and even love can't make it better. But maybe its just not my time yet and i should just be able to focus on myself and myself only. Maybe by time, all the rumours would go away. People would stop talking about me, i wouldn't be that "slut" anymore, i'd just be "sarah? sarah who?", okay maybe i don't want that, but i mean it is better than being a grade A slut without even being a slut. I don't know.
I'm not gonna lie, i'm in pain. I can feel myself just, getting stripped of my self esteem. But i need to get back up, and be alright. Even if i can't be the best i can be, at least i need to try to be the best at the moment. At least one thing he said about me did keep my spirits up, that he believes that i can do it, that i can go far, and i believed him. Why stop now? I shouldn't let depression eat me whole again. I can't. Not any longer.
Maybe once i start looking for peace, maybe i'd actually find it. Maybe once i stopped hanging out or talking to people that i do now, maybe then my life would actually turn around and i won't be in pain anymore. Even if it means letting go of them whom i love.
I'm not a great person and alot of people has made it pretty clear of so, but maybe one day i'll meet a group of people who would make me feel great, even if i wasn't. If not, at least good enough. Honestly, i am tired. But i can't give up now. I can't. And as much as i want to, running away and escaping won't solve anything, i just really hope i can get that out of my system sooner or later. I need to be a worthy 23 year old. I'm not getting any younger, if i lived in the states i could be considered pathetic. No job, still living with my parents. No goals.
Slow and steady. Everything will be okay. Hold on, Sarah.
I talked to some people that had a part in the mess, and they told me the same thing. That he was right. That i need to turn my life around, shed a better light. Well, this is me sugar coating it and making it sound pleasant to read. But, yeah. I get what they meant and even though they did say mean stuff, it might be true seeing as at least 5 people has said it so far. And who am i kidding, i see it too. I blocked quite a few people out of my life recently, and i really hope its the right thing to do, yeah there is a hint of regret and sadness, but i really hope its better, for all of us. For the both of us.
I've always been that hopeless-romantic kinda girl, that thinks that love can conquer it all. Fix whats broken, make everything okay. Guess i was wrong all along and even love can't make it better. But maybe its just not my time yet and i should just be able to focus on myself and myself only. Maybe by time, all the rumours would go away. People would stop talking about me, i wouldn't be that "slut" anymore, i'd just be "sarah? sarah who?", okay maybe i don't want that, but i mean it is better than being a grade A slut without even being a slut. I don't know.
I'm not gonna lie, i'm in pain. I can feel myself just, getting stripped of my self esteem. But i need to get back up, and be alright. Even if i can't be the best i can be, at least i need to try to be the best at the moment. At least one thing he said about me did keep my spirits up, that he believes that i can do it, that i can go far, and i believed him. Why stop now? I shouldn't let depression eat me whole again. I can't. Not any longer.
Maybe once i start looking for peace, maybe i'd actually find it. Maybe once i stopped hanging out or talking to people that i do now, maybe then my life would actually turn around and i won't be in pain anymore. Even if it means letting go of them whom i love.
I'm not a great person and alot of people has made it pretty clear of so, but maybe one day i'll meet a group of people who would make me feel great, even if i wasn't. If not, at least good enough. Honestly, i am tired. But i can't give up now. I can't. And as much as i want to, running away and escaping won't solve anything, i just really hope i can get that out of my system sooner or later. I need to be a worthy 23 year old. I'm not getting any younger, if i lived in the states i could be considered pathetic. No job, still living with my parents. No goals.
Slow and steady. Everything will be okay. Hold on, Sarah.
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