Yet Again
Hey. I wouldn't have thought i would actually be writing about this again. Not after going through so much to recover. Be better. Guess it hasn't been working. I think i wrote about it a few years back, sad to say things are around the same. Well, in the sanity department that is.
Depression. It's still eating me up. Little by little, each and everyday. I ran away from it, but its catching up to me again. Faster than i can run. Faster than i can hide. And i'm scared. I'm terrified. I don't want to go back but i feel like i'm in deep. Its so painful. Its unbearable. I'm trying so hard to fight the voices, but its breaking me.
I feel like i'm being dragged down. Dragged down under. I'm trying to crawl out of this hole but my body feels heavy. Hundred times my weight. Social media isn't helping either. I just feel like i'm not worthy to be on this world. Not pretty enough, not nice enough. All the judgements in the past ain't helping either. God, sometimes i just want the voices to stop. So it would stop hurting.
Family, friends, everything. I don't know why it just isn't working out for me. I wish i had, those kind of friends in those chic-flick dramas, Like Blair and Selena. Just a best friend that i could count on no matter what. That i could talk to when i'm crying or when i'm angry. A girl friend that would come all the way to keep me company when i'm going through things. Someone who would tuck my hair behind my ear when i'm going through guy problems or to eat ice cream with me and binge watch Pretty Little Liars on netflix. Someone who would be like "hey, wanna go out shopping?". I know its hoping for a lot, but a girl can hope right?
I don't expect much from my family anymore. Its something i gave up on years ago. But i have to admit, i still hope for their acceptance. But i know i won't be getting it. At least not until i'm married.
But you know whats worse than being depressed? Is making someone depressed, and go through anxiety. All because of you. Well in this case, its because of me. I never thought that anything could be more painful, but oh boy was i wrong. Its so much more agonising. Knowing someone you care deeply for is going through the suffering you would never want anyone else to encounter, and its all you. Only god knows how much i want to stop being depressed, and just be okay. But knowing this... i just lost all self esteem and self love i have for myself. I've become whom i despise. And i did it all on my own. I don't think i'd ever able able to forgive myself.
I'm jealous. Of people who have amazing friends, family. I'm jealous of people with amazing personalities, who's heart is pure. But what can i do really? I can't force people to love me. I can't even love myself. So who am i kidding.
Depression. It's still eating me up. Little by little, each and everyday. I ran away from it, but its catching up to me again. Faster than i can run. Faster than i can hide. And i'm scared. I'm terrified. I don't want to go back but i feel like i'm in deep. Its so painful. Its unbearable. I'm trying so hard to fight the voices, but its breaking me.
I feel like i'm being dragged down. Dragged down under. I'm trying to crawl out of this hole but my body feels heavy. Hundred times my weight. Social media isn't helping either. I just feel like i'm not worthy to be on this world. Not pretty enough, not nice enough. All the judgements in the past ain't helping either. God, sometimes i just want the voices to stop. So it would stop hurting.
Family, friends, everything. I don't know why it just isn't working out for me. I wish i had, those kind of friends in those chic-flick dramas, Like Blair and Selena. Just a best friend that i could count on no matter what. That i could talk to when i'm crying or when i'm angry. A girl friend that would come all the way to keep me company when i'm going through things. Someone who would tuck my hair behind my ear when i'm going through guy problems or to eat ice cream with me and binge watch Pretty Little Liars on netflix. Someone who would be like "hey, wanna go out shopping?". I know its hoping for a lot, but a girl can hope right?
I don't expect much from my family anymore. Its something i gave up on years ago. But i have to admit, i still hope for their acceptance. But i know i won't be getting it. At least not until i'm married.
But you know whats worse than being depressed? Is making someone depressed, and go through anxiety. All because of you. Well in this case, its because of me. I never thought that anything could be more painful, but oh boy was i wrong. Its so much more agonising. Knowing someone you care deeply for is going through the suffering you would never want anyone else to encounter, and its all you. Only god knows how much i want to stop being depressed, and just be okay. But knowing this... i just lost all self esteem and self love i have for myself. I've become whom i despise. And i did it all on my own. I don't think i'd ever able able to forgive myself.
I'm jealous. Of people who have amazing friends, family. I'm jealous of people with amazing personalities, who's heart is pure. But what can i do really? I can't force people to love me. I can't even love myself. So who am i kidding.
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