Messy
God, where do i even start? I'm tired. Of all of this. The drama, how messy it is. I just want it all to stop. I'm tired of always having to protect myself, shield myself from all that is said about me. It has been years. Why do people still find the need to talk about me? Aren't they tired?
I'm so tired. Of crying about these kind of things. Just hurting from words coming out of other peoples' mouth. I just want to be left alone. I want to be able to only have the real ones around. But at this point i don't even know who's real anymore. I don't know who to trust. Who i can be myself with. The amount of shit i went through with people who i thought cared about me, is insane. The amount of people that left.
I tried nothing but to be nice, kind. I tried living my life thinking that "treat people the way you want to be treated" but i didn't know this is what i deserved. Maybe i'm just meant to be with anyone, or have friends. Maybe once i stop fantasising and actually focused on how people really are, maybe then i'd stop hoping. Maybe i should stop giving a fuck, and just pay attention to myself. Sigh. I have no idea how many times i've told myself that. Told myself to just suck it up, and love myself. But i can't. I'm trying but i can't. I still feel the need to hurt myself, because i feel like i deserve it. That the only way i can feel satisfied is if i put a punishment upon myself, in my case, a stream of blood dripping down my arms and legs. Not enough to kill me, but enough to cause me pain.
I don't think i'd ever be good enough, there will always be something wrong with me. And i'm beginning to believe it. Maybe i am fucked up, maybe i do need help. But not because i supposedly cheated, but because i am fucked up. Who am i kidding, know i'm fucked up. I'm tired...
Sometimes i don't even know myself. Who am i? Am i really who they say i am? Am i really that bad? Am i a bad person? I don't even know... I don't deserve to be in this world. I don't deserve to be happy. Its pretty obvious i don't deserve real friends or a partner either. Sigh.
Only if.
I'm so tired. Of crying about these kind of things. Just hurting from words coming out of other peoples' mouth. I just want to be left alone. I want to be able to only have the real ones around. But at this point i don't even know who's real anymore. I don't know who to trust. Who i can be myself with. The amount of shit i went through with people who i thought cared about me, is insane. The amount of people that left.
I tried nothing but to be nice, kind. I tried living my life thinking that "treat people the way you want to be treated" but i didn't know this is what i deserved. Maybe i'm just meant to be with anyone, or have friends. Maybe once i stop fantasising and actually focused on how people really are, maybe then i'd stop hoping. Maybe i should stop giving a fuck, and just pay attention to myself. Sigh. I have no idea how many times i've told myself that. Told myself to just suck it up, and love myself. But i can't. I'm trying but i can't. I still feel the need to hurt myself, because i feel like i deserve it. That the only way i can feel satisfied is if i put a punishment upon myself, in my case, a stream of blood dripping down my arms and legs. Not enough to kill me, but enough to cause me pain.
I don't think i'd ever be good enough, there will always be something wrong with me. And i'm beginning to believe it. Maybe i am fucked up, maybe i do need help. But not because i supposedly cheated, but because i am fucked up. Who am i kidding, know i'm fucked up. I'm tired...
Sometimes i don't even know myself. Who am i? Am i really who they say i am? Am i really that bad? Am i a bad person? I don't even know... I don't deserve to be in this world. I don't deserve to be happy. Its pretty obvious i don't deserve real friends or a partner either. Sigh.
Only if.
Comments
Post a Comment
Comment: